Unedited
through purse lips, she smiled (weakly? What do you mean by weakly? Work it out and describle that….. Weakly is an adverb and adverbs rarely add anything to writing. If anything they weaken a piece. as he joined her. The Raeburn’s were sitting (another adverb. How do sunglasses get comfortable on a person’s head. What do thy look like when they are uncomfortable?) above her forehead and she dabbed (again passive was dabbing) her face with a handkerchief. Anthony picked the box up and most of the bags. (what happens to those he doesn’t pick up?) On reaching (remember the hanging participle.) the Bentley, he opened the trunk and loaded the shopping (how? Does he throw her parcels in or stack them?). Would she climb into the front seat when he is essentially the chauffer? I would have expected her to get into the back seat. Now here’s something to think about….if she gets into the front seat then Anthony would react in some way because in doing this she has broken protocol)
As they drove home she asked him if he would accompany her the following weekend. She had appointments in the city as well as an appointment to see her hair stylist and a couple of errands to run in the city. He agreed. (again in removing her shoes she is breaking protocols. I think it is a bit early in this relationship and what does he think when she does this? He will have some kind of reaction and she will need to give an explanation), noticing she had removed her shoes and was massaging her toes in the soft carpet.
The next visit to Nice started badly. Barbara’s hair stylist was off sick and for over two hours Anthony sat at the back of the salon reading magazines while Barbara fussed at the stand-in stylist. (describe what Barabara’s fussing is like from Anthony’s perspective. What does he see)The bad day continued at the Rolls Royce dealer’s service department. The Bentley was due
Edited & Polished but will still get a final Tweak
A short while later he heard Barbara calling him from across the road. Her bright yellow dress, contrasting sharply with a candy striped canopy behind her, billowed about her legs. A row of shopping bags leaned against each other and a small box sat next to them on the sidewalk beside her. She dabbed her face with a tissue and then gave him a quick little wave as he crossed the road. He picked up the shopping and accompanied her back to the Bentley.
“Thank you, Anthony,” she said.
He flashed a smile. “Pleasure, ma’am.”
On reaching the Bentley, he opened the trunk and lined the shopping up across the floor. Barbara climbed in to the rear seat.
As they drove home Barbara said, “Anthony, I’m in town next weekend. I have several errands to run. I hope you’ll be available.”
Nodding, he said, “Of course, ma’am.”
That trip started badly. Barbara’s hair stylist was off sick and for over two hours Anthony sat at the back of the salon reading magazines while Barbara fussed at the stand-in stylist. Nothing seemed good enough. She adjusted the ties on the bib around her neck, complaining they were too tight and she brushed the girl aside when she tried to help.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing,” she said, irritably. “I can’t wait for Denise to return. She knows just how I like things. You young girls have no idea about personal service.”
The worst moment came when the girl rinsed her hair.
“Stop, you’re burning my scalp! What do you think you’re doing? How dare you treat me like this,” she shouted. She pushed the rinse tube out of the girl’s hands and glared at her. “I’m going to complain about this and if you think you’re getting a gratuity you can think again.”
Later she made the girl go hunt for more sugar. Her coffee needed sweetening. Anthony felt sorry for the girl and grinned broadly whenever she looked his way. She smiled back but as he opened the door for Barbara he noticed the girl walking quickly to the restrooms with a hand over her mouth.
The bad day continued at the Rolls Royce dealer’s service department. The Bentley was due
I like the re-write. I like the detailed explainations of the characters and what they were doing in the story. Nicely done. Let's hope the editor feels the same.
ReplyDeleteI love to see the difference in your writing here, Ray! It's so like my own early drafts, with those yellow highlights full of questions I didn't answer when I first rushed out the plot. The differences between the two really exhibit how minute details serve a scene, and how lacking a story can be without them.
ReplyDeleteDo you find yourself restructuring sentences & asking yourself these kinds of questions as you write now?
I have, to a degree, and used to think it was because I wanted to get ahead on the editing just a little bit.. if you write it right the first time, kind of thought. But now I view the habit as slowing my writing down enough to experience the entire scene as the author before someone else has a chance to point out, "You missed a spot."
@ mzpete - Trying to correct as you go along really bogs down the creative juices. I like to write a chapter at a time then start drafting to say third draft. Then it goes to the editor. The neat thing is, as you work with the editor you get used to what they are looking for as well as all the usual stuff. Mine hates adverbs, quotes, and speeches. No more than two lines of dialogue or else! I do find myself correcting little things as I go along but generally it's much quicker to make a mess first. At least you have the story down before the passion to put a good idea into print starts to fade while trying to fix it.
ReplyDelete